Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Who wants to recreate this, this summer, with me?
This is a serious inquiry. 8ball I’m looking at YOU.
I need to sync my connection with the light.
Preface: This is the most personal and longest thing I’ve ever shared on tumblr. A lot of this stuff I usually don’t like to talk about and maybe that’s part of the problem. This is part of my healing and returning to myself.
It’s no secret that I’ve been depressed this semester. Each day I crept slowly towards the darkness, until it was all I knew. I let it consume me. I didn’t even have the will to fight it anymore. I felt overpowered and overwhelmed at all times. I drown myself in anything to keep my mind off of it. Mainly Halo and other video games.
I knew it was becoming a real problem for me when the video game dreams returned. Not since I was addicted to WoW in 2005-2006 have I had consistent video game dreams. I barely remember my dreams to begin with.
Even then I bargained with myself that it was better to not think about it than to be sad. So I did. I ignored everything in effort to not hurt. I chose to run and hide from everything. I was there physically, but mentally I checked out. And still the darkness crept further and deeper.
I grew more easily agitated, more anxious, more nervous about life, I let my work ethic at my job and in school drop to an all time low. And all that did was add to the stress.
I lost myself completely and the worst part is. I was so blinded by my own thoughts and emotions that I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t alone. I felt alone, but I was so far from it. I didn’t realize it, but my sweet and caring wife was dealing with the exact same stuff and she was dealing with her’s and mine. While I was trying to just ignore it all. I did. I made a horrible mistake and it may have cost me everything.
I used to get depressed a lot more often. I spent days in inpatient treatment for Major Depressive Disorder (M.D.D.) and half-hearted suicide attempts on more than one occasion. But I was in a pretty good place when I met her. I was meditating daily, frequently connecting with the universe on both meditative and chemically. I was happy and encouraging, full of life, excited to see friends, and talk about experiences.
I had everything I needed except a good relationship. I was dating someone and we loved each other, but we didn’t have the same outlook on life. She basically considered my friends drug addicts because they would talk about acid or mushrooms and I would have to lie and have my friends lie for me too, that I never did that kind of stuff. It just wasn’t right. It was okay. I figured it was good enough, I settled for mediocrity.
Then one day I was performing in an improv show and this really cute girl was there in a Yoshi shirt taking pictures. I’d never seen her before, didn’t know her name or anything, but I knew there was something about her. I watched her do her thing with the camera from afar and once it was over I left, thinking I’d never see her again.
Then on Facebook I get tagged in some photos from the show and she is tagged as the photographer. I instantly sent her a friend request. We talked very little. I was interested but taken so I just invited her to our big final show to take pictures for us. Not much more conversed between us at that point, but I was crushing on her bad.
I figured it’s just a little crush, it’ll go away. But it never did. Everyday I would check her Facebook, sometimes more than once, I always liked her pictures, I learned about tumblr by stalking her Facebook and began to follow her blog (not technically I didn’t sign up for a long time). I would also ask her questions on Formspring anonymously to try and get to know her better. I was looking for a reason to not like her, but it wasn’t there. Every answer was exactly what I would have said.
After about 8 months of this I gave up trying to fight it. I knew it was more than a simple crush when she started a relationship with someone and it made me feel jealous and everyday I checked to see if they were still together. I even stalked his profile to see what he had to offer that she would have been interested in.
It was a couple months after they broke up that I finally sent her a message on Twitter. I found out that she had been crushing on me too. That was all the encouragement I needed. I invited her over to eat weed brownies with us and then several more times, but I was a gentleman. I didn’t even hold her hand until I told my current girlfriend that we needed time apart. I knew she was special, I knew this was the gift I’d earned from the universe for all the hard times.
She was getting ready to leave for Christmas break and most of my friends were very supportive and already could see we were really good together. One person in particular wasn’t sure, but I was and I knew how to be 100%.
December 18, 2010 we took acid together, her for the first time on anything above weed. I knew that this was how we would see each for the first time truly, unfiltered, not hiding feelings, no games, just pure us. By the end we were in my bed in each other’s arms. We’d confessed our love, she was first but I knew what she was going to say, it was so obvious. I meditated and thanked the universe for bringing us together.
From then on she was my wife, my mate, my penguin, my lobster, my sweet cupcake, my literal dreamgirl. She made me so proud everyday to be hers.
I thought I had everything figured out at this point. I had everything I’d ever dreamed of. That’s probably where the problem began. We did mushrooms a few times, one time we planned to go to the planetarium while tripping so we took some acid only to find out it was sold out, so we inadvertently spent the day having acid sex.
But after that I slowed my meditation frequency, I only tripped a couple more times and they weren’t the best experiences like the others had been. Now that I think about it, she also wasn’t a part of the times it was not good. The only times it’s ever been not good she hasn’t been there, I’m not sure if that’s related but it is interesting to think about.
I basically felt like I didn’t need that stuff anymore. I had everything figured out. But I was wrong, you have to hit that internal reset switch or things get out of control. Something in the brain is there to cut that connection with the light and I don’t know why or what it is. I hate to say it’s ego because “ego” is a physiological term coined by Freud that people try to put spiritual meaning into, but for the sake of familiarity the ego reaffirms itself if you’re not hitting that reset switch be it deep meditation, chemicals, an isolation tank, mantras, or whatever.
I’ve had all this DMT (over a gram), shrooms (half 1/8th of 3 kinds), and acid (last 2 hits of white on white double dipped fluff in Ohio I know of) for a really, really long time and people kept asking why I haven’t done them. And the answer is because I was afraid.
I was afraid because I knew the darkness was there and I didn’t want to have a bad trip. My last few trips (other than DMT) had been very intense, basically borderline of taking too much. Not all that fun or enlightening, just over stimulated basically. I wouldn’t call them bad, but not good either.
I have to hit that reset button and resync with the light. I know that even if it starts out hard, the results will be for the better.
What The Whitehouse Has to Say About Marijuana and Veterans
What We Have to Say About Marijuana and Veterans
By Gil Kerlikowske, Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy
Many brave men and women who have risked their lives in service to our country are now suffering from physical, mental health, and substance abuse problems. We have an obligation to care for our military families and veterans and to improve their lives by increasing access to vital treatment services specifically geared toward our military heroes. While the Administration continues to support research on what parts of the marijuana plant may be used as medicine, neither the Food and Drug Administration nor the Institute of Medicine has found smoked marijuana to meet the modern standard of safe or effective medicine. We will continue working with our partners in the medical community to ensure that veterans have access to science-based medical treatments and get the help they and their families need.
For more about what we have to say about marijuana, please see the President’s National Drug Control Strategy, as well as this earlier petition response below:
What We Have to Say About Legalizing Marijuana
When the President took office, he directed all of his policymakers to develop policies based on science and research, not ideology or politics. So our concern about marijuana is based on what the science tells us about the drug’s effects.
According to scientists at the National Institutes of Health- the world’s largest source of drug abuse research - marijuana use is associated with addiction, respiratory disease, andcognitive impairment. We know from an array of treatment admission information and Federal data that marijuana use is a significant source for voluntary drug treatment admissions andvisits to emergency rooms. Studies also reveal that marijuana potency has almost tripled over the past 20 years, raising serious concerns about what this means for public health – especially among young people who use the drug because research shows their brainscontinue to develop well into their 20’s. Simply put, it is not a benign drug.
Like many, we are interested in the potential marijuana may have in providing relief to individuals diagnosed with certain serious illnesses. That is why we ardently support ongoing research into determining what components of the marijuana plant can be used as medicine. To date, however, neither the FDA nor the Institute of Medicine have found smoked marijuana to meet the modern standard for safe or effective medicine for any condition.
As a former police chief, I recognize we are not going to arrest our way out of the problem. We also recognize that legalizing marijuana would not provide the answer to any of the health, social, youth education, criminal justice, and community quality of life challenges associated with drug use.
That is why the President’s National Drug Control Strategy is balanced and comprehensive, emphasizing prevention and treatment while at the same time supporting innovative law enforcement efforts that protect public safety and disrupt the supply of drugs entering our communities. Preventing drug use is the most cost-effective way to reduce drug use and its consequences in America. And, as we’ve seen in our work through community coalitions across the country, this approach works in making communities healthier and safer. We’re also focused on expanding access to drug treatment for addicts. Treatment works. In fact, millions of Americans are in successful recovery for drug and alcoholism today. And through our work with innovative drug courts across the Nation, we are improving our criminal justice system to divert non-violent offenders into treatment.
Our commitment to a balanced approach to drug control is real. This last fiscal year alone, the Federal Government spent over $10 billion on drug education and treatment programs compared to just over $9 billion on drug related law enforcement in the U.S.
Thank you for making your voice heard. I encourage you to take a moment to read about the President’s approach to drug control to learn more.
What We Have to Say About Marijuana and Hemp Production
By Gil Kerlikowske, Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy
America’s farmers deserve our Nation’s help and support to ensure rural America’s prosperity and vitality. Federal law prohibits human consumption, distribution, and possession of Schedule I controlled substances. Hemp and marijuana are part of the same species of cannabis plant. While most of the THC in cannabis plants is concentrated in the marijuana, all parts of the plant, including hemp, can contain THC, a Schedule I controlled substance. The Administration will continue looking for innovative ways to support farmers across the country while balancing the need to protect public health and safety.
Just smoked a huge helix bowl of green crack before work
ever try the DMT again? i got some tried three times and still havent gotten anything|
I actually haven’t. I still have a lot left.
Come to think of it I have 3 kinds of mushrooms and 2 hits of double dipped white on white lavender love too….