Learning from your mistakes
I’m doing as best as I can. I’m still patiently waiting for Sunday so that I can sit down with her finally face to face and talk. I’m getting my shit together and she knows that at least. I finished all the work I was missing in my one class in 2 days so now I have an A in that class.
I just want to sit down with her and be able to show her that I understand now that she was going through the same stressors I was and I was an idiot for not realizing it. I won’t let it happen again and I’m willing to do anything SHE needs to allow me back in her life. I’m more than willing to give all the time and space she needs to heal as long as she’s still my love.
I understand that she’s hurt and obviously I am too. When she left it felt like 2 molecules that were bonded being torn apart and that pain is a million times worse than depression about life. I’m never letting myself get that way again.
About 5 years ago I was suicidal; I tried a couple times, and spent multiple visits in inpatient treatment. But I realized what I had tried would have hurt my family so bad, I’ve never tried since. I’ve felt like I wanted to die, but I always remember what it would do to my family. I actually helped her a couple of times using this same way of thinking when she was feeling like death was viable option.
I’m going to use this same way of thinking to fight my depression. If you think depression only hurts you, you’re wrong.
Sara is my family too, my home, my soul mate, literally the girl of my dreams, and I’m never going to hurt her like that again either.
I hope that she’ll understand that I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m ready to focus on her and her needs. I’m willing to do anything SHE needs to be able to call her my wife again.
I need to sync my connection with the light.
Preface: This is the most personal and longest thing I’ve ever shared on tumblr. A lot of this stuff I usually don’t like to talk about and maybe that’s part of the problem. This is part of my healing and returning to myself.
It’s no secret that I’ve been depressed this semester. Each day I crept slowly towards the darkness, until it was all I knew. I let it consume me. I didn’t even have the will to fight it anymore. I felt overpowered and overwhelmed at all times. I drown myself in anything to keep my mind off of it. Mainly Halo and other video games.
I knew it was becoming a real problem for me when the video game dreams returned. Not since I was addicted to WoW in 2005-2006 have I had consistent video game dreams. I barely remember my dreams to begin with.
Even then I bargained with myself that it was better to not think about it than to be sad. So I did. I ignored everything in effort to not hurt. I chose to run and hide from everything. I was there physically, but mentally I checked out. And still the darkness crept further and deeper.
I grew more easily agitated, more anxious, more nervous about life, I let my work ethic at my job and in school drop to an all time low. And all that did was add to the stress.
I lost myself completely and the worst part is. I was so blinded by my own thoughts and emotions that I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t alone. I felt alone, but I was so far from it. I didn’t realize it, but my sweet and caring wife was dealing with the exact same stuff and she was dealing with her’s and mine. While I was trying to just ignore it all. I did. I made a horrible mistake and it may have cost me everything.
I used to get depressed a lot more often. I spent days in inpatient treatment for Major Depressive Disorder (M.D.D.) and half-hearted suicide attempts on more than one occasion. But I was in a pretty good place when I met her. I was meditating daily, frequently connecting with the universe on both meditative and chemically. I was happy and encouraging, full of life, excited to see friends, and talk about experiences.
I had everything I needed except a good relationship. I was dating someone and we loved each other, but we didn’t have the same outlook on life. She basically considered my friends drug addicts because they would talk about acid or mushrooms and I would have to lie and have my friends lie for me too, that I never did that kind of stuff. It just wasn’t right. It was okay. I figured it was good enough, I settled for mediocrity.
Then one day I was performing in an improv show and this really cute girl was there in a Yoshi shirt taking pictures. I’d never seen her before, didn’t know her name or anything, but I knew there was something about her. I watched her do her thing with the camera from afar and once it was over I left, thinking I’d never see her again.
Then on Facebook I get tagged in some photos from the show and she is tagged as the photographer. I instantly sent her a friend request. We talked very little. I was interested but taken so I just invited her to our big final show to take pictures for us. Not much more conversed between us at that point, but I was crushing on her bad.
I figured it’s just a little crush, it’ll go away. But it never did. Everyday I would check her Facebook, sometimes more than once, I always liked her pictures, I learned about tumblr by stalking her Facebook and began to follow her blog (not technically I didn’t sign up for a long time). I would also ask her questions on Formspring anonymously to try and get to know her better. I was looking for a reason to not like her, but it wasn’t there. Every answer was exactly what I would have said.
After about 8 months of this I gave up trying to fight it. I knew it was more than a simple crush when she started a relationship with someone and it made me feel jealous and everyday I checked to see if they were still together. I even stalked his profile to see what he had to offer that she would have been interested in.
It was a couple months after they broke up that I finally sent her a message on Twitter. I found out that she had been crushing on me too. That was all the encouragement I needed. I invited her over to eat weed brownies with us and then several more times, but I was a gentleman. I didn’t even hold her hand until I told my current girlfriend that we needed time apart. I knew she was special, I knew this was the gift I’d earned from the universe for all the hard times.
She was getting ready to leave for Christmas break and most of my friends were very supportive and already could see we were really good together. One person in particular wasn’t sure, but I was and I knew how to be 100%.
December 18, 2010 we took acid together, her for the first time on anything above weed. I knew that this was how we would see each for the first time truly, unfiltered, not hiding feelings, no games, just pure us. By the end we were in my bed in each other’s arms. We’d confessed our love, she was first but I knew what she was going to say, it was so obvious. I meditated and thanked the universe for bringing us together.
From then on she was my wife, my mate, my penguin, my lobster, my sweet cupcake, my literal dreamgirl. She made me so proud everyday to be hers.
I thought I had everything figured out at this point. I had everything I’d ever dreamed of. That’s probably where the problem began. We did mushrooms a few times, one time we planned to go to the planetarium while tripping so we took some acid only to find out it was sold out, so we inadvertently spent the day having acid sex.
But after that I slowed my meditation frequency, I only tripped a couple more times and they weren’t the best experiences like the others had been. Now that I think about it, she also wasn’t a part of the times it was not good. The only times it’s ever been not good she hasn’t been there, I’m not sure if that’s related but it is interesting to think about.
I basically felt like I didn’t need that stuff anymore. I had everything figured out. But I was wrong, you have to hit that internal reset switch or things get out of control. Something in the brain is there to cut that connection with the light and I don’t know why or what it is. I hate to say it’s ego because “ego” is a physiological term coined by Freud that people try to put spiritual meaning into, but for the sake of familiarity the ego reaffirms itself if you’re not hitting that reset switch be it deep meditation, chemicals, an isolation tank, mantras, or whatever.
I’ve had all this DMT (over a gram), shrooms (half 1/8th of 3 kinds), and acid (last 2 hits of white on white double dipped fluff in Ohio I know of) for a really, really long time and people kept asking why I haven’t done them. And the answer is because I was afraid.
I was afraid because I knew the darkness was there and I didn’t want to have a bad trip. My last few trips (other than DMT) had been very intense, basically borderline of taking too much. Not all that fun or enlightening, just over stimulated basically. I wouldn’t call them bad, but not good either.
I have to hit that reset button and resync with the light. I know that even if it starts out hard, the results will be for the better.
Going to go meditate before bed
going to see the boyfraaaaand today!
so don’t expect me to be on tumblr too much; i’ll be busy smoking fat blunts, watching Weeds and having maaad sexytimes :]
SHE’S ON HER WAY RIGHT NOW!!